let yourself sleep for the night, let yourself die for the night
I feel sick… really sick
I think something might be wrong
Living is the hardest thing because there is nothing else besides it. Or maybe I should say, it’s either this or nothing. Or so it seems.
Fell asleep in the rain
And I dreamt only of rain.
Of falling down in the rain, of feeling misery in the rain
of living and despairing in the rain.
“I wish I wrote the way I thought
With maddening hunger
I’d write to the point of suffocation
I’d write myself into nervous breakdowns
Manuscripts spiralling out like tentacles into abysmal nothing
And I’d write about you
a lot more
than I should”
Benedict Smith / “I Wish I Wrote The Way I Thought” (via ceedling)
>stressed at school
>can’t wait to go home & relax
>parents constantly fighting with me
>I HAVE A MOOD DISORDER
>get more stressed
>can’t wait to leave and go back to school
It’s so strange.
Those nights where you swear there will never be light again, where you feel sick and you’re shaking and the only thing that stops the tremors is a blade or some bad taste in your mouth…
Those nights where you are convinced dawn will never come…
Those mornings after, you’re still alive. You wake up with a strange silent feeling. You slowly realize that you were either too weak to kill yourself again, or that you, by some unknown grace, survived another night.
“When are you coming back home honey?”
Just like that, I melted. I’m pouring and seeping into the night sidewalk. Suddenly warm where I felt only cold.
Oh, it’s adorable when you use english terms of endearment.
“I decided on you, don’t you get that? I decided on you. I don’t want to go fucking other people and then walk around feeling thrilled and then sad, or empty, or whatever. I like the smell of your hair, and I like the sound of your voice, and I fucking decided on you.”
(Source: somethingbeyond, via ocelotofnothing)
Ryan texted me to reschedule for tomorrow night. I was ok with it at first, but now I’m really worried. He wants me to drink with him and his girlfriend tomorrow (I strongly suspect she didn’t want us to see each other alone), and I don’t mind that. The problem is… there’s nothing I want more than to lay everything at Ryan’s feet.
When we were in high school, I never understood all the shit that Ryan went through. Hell, in middle school we were worst enemies. But as we grew up and got caught up in drugs, we ended up in the same group and later we became good friends. He was inundated with medication before I ever swallowed my first pill, and he suffered almost as much as I did at home. He’s the only friend that visits me at school, calls me, tells me he loves me. He’s a really great friend who I never appreciated until recently. I haven’t seen him in about 3 months, and I just wanted to finally open up with him. I have so few friends left, and I’m convinced he’s the only friend I have left that’s not out to hurt me.
Now I’m afraid I’m just going to cry in front of his girlfriend tomorrow. I’m a mess I just want help.
Everyone who terrifies you is sixty-five percent water.
And everyone you love is made of stardust, and I know sometimes
you cannot even breathe deeply, and
the night sky is no home, and
you have cried yourself to sleep enough times
that you are down to your last two percent, but
nothing is infinite,
not even loss.
You are made of the sea and the stars, and one day
you are going to find yourself again.
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